Is your partner insensitive (and trying to “fix” the problem instead of just listening to and validating your feelings) or too critical (and saying you’re too sensitive)? Then you need some strategies for having challenging conversations, and I hope mine will help.
Before you can have a conversation that’s likely to have a satisfying outcome (for both of you), you need to have a plan.
Here are my top strategies for challenging conversations:
- Find the Time. There’s a reason there’s the saying “timing is everything.” It’s true. It’s important to choose a time when you know you both are relatively calm and in a good place. Sending a simple text message earlier in the day can pave the way.
- Get Buy In. You want to make sure the other person has a head’s up and is generally aware that you’d like to talk about something that’s important to you. Something like, “Hey, I have something I want to talk with you about and it’s important that we both be willing to hear each other out. Would tonight after dinner work for you?”
- Anticipate Different Outcomes. We tend to play out different scenarios when we’re anticipating something happening in the future. As it happens, our brains have a negativity bias and we’re much more likely to anticipate something bad happening. Since that’s a reality that we really can’t change, we can work with it. Really let yourself imagine the worst-case scenario and then plan for how you’re going to deal with it (see below for my suggestions). And then also allow yourself to imagine a best-case scenario and really imagine it. Identify the emotions you’d have if it worked out like this. And then really allow yourself to feel – in your body – where this emotion is in your body. Research shows that identifying a positive feeling in the body allows for new neural pathways to form – away from the negativity bias that is so ingrained (and gets you what you’ve always gotten) and toward the creative solutions that will work for you and your partner.
- Choose PEACE. PEACE is an acronym that will remind you of the next steps when you’re having any challenging conversation. “P” is for pause if you’re aware of any negative thoughts or feelings that are coming up for you. “E” is for exhale. It’s time to take a deep breath and center yourself in the present moment where nothing really bad is happening. “A” is for acceptance. Take a moment to identify the thought or feeling you’re having in the moment and reflect on where it’s coming from and what it really means (it’s probably linked to an old story that needs to be rewritten – which is a perfect thing to take to individual therapy, by the way). Accepting this fact will help keep the thought or feeling from de-railing your present conversation. “C” is for choose – which is just to remind you that you truly have a choice at any moment to reach for peace and harmony in the current moment – and in your current relationship – or to disconnect. “E” is for engage – because that’s the whole point, isn’t it?
- Just Say It. There’s a very simple formula for conveying challenging but necessary information: “I feel (emotion word) when you (other’s specific behavior) because I think (your thought). Would you be willing to (specific behavior)?” For example, “I feel hurt when you comment about my weight because I think you don’t find me attractive. Instead of making negative comments about my weight, would you be willing to reassure me that you find me/my body attractive?”
What if the conversation goes well? Celebrate! You did it!! I’m so happy for you!!
Strategies for Challenging Conversations that Don’t Go Well:
- Maintain Your Cool. Stay calm and don’t make a big deal of your partner’s initial disregard of your point of view. It’s likely that they’re not taking it well because they’re feeling criticized and negatively nudged.
- Offer and Ask. Assure your partner that you’re not criticizing them or negatively judging them for the behavior that hurt your feelings. Remind them that you care how s/he feels and you’re willing to work with them, and also that you expect them to be willing to work with you as well.
- Stand Up for Yourself. If your partner continues to act defensive and keeps dismissing your needs, let them know this is not okay. Name it: “I hear you’re feeling defensive because you think I’ve negatively judged you. I’m sorry about this, but it’s not okay to dismiss my needs.”
- Walk Away. If you partner keeps dismissing your needs even after you’ve done your best to reassure them, it’s time to walk away. Simply say, “I understand you’re upset, but it’s not okay to keep dismissing my feelings and needs. We can try to talk later when we’ve both calmed down.”
- Don’t make a big deal of it. It’s hard to have difficult conversations and we planned for a negative outcome, didn’t we? This isn’t the end of the world. And you really should celebrate doing a really hard thing! You did it!! I, for one, am VERY proud of you!!
- Try again later. Practice truly makes perfect. If it really didn’t go well, I recommend you practice with a friend or your therapist before trying again with your partner. I’m always happy to help!
Reading Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy: Advances from Neurobiology and the Science of Intimate Relationships by Brent Atkinson and The Assertiveness Guide for Women: How to Communicate Your Needs, Set Healthy Boundaries & Transform Your Relationships by Julie De Azevedo Hanks (and listening to my clients!) helped inform this post.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how I may be able to help you and your partner enjoy a more satisfying relationship.