Over the course of our work together, we’ll likely refer to the following resources. Please bookmark this page and refer to it as needed.
Here is a video that offers an overview of the process and tools we use in our practice:
It may be helpful to commit daily to:
- A mindfulness practice that helps you regulate your nervous system and feel more calm, even in the face of constant stressors. It’s helpful to think that meditation is simply reminding ourselves repeatedly of our true, benevolent nature and then carrying that quality into the world around us. (We recommend any of the following apps: Headspace, Calm, 10% Happier.)
- “Energy” practices that will also help you in times of acute stress. We recommend this 5-minute video.
- A “process commitment” – this is (at least) one thing you do every day to help your partner feel that you are “there” for them. Often my clients choose to share AFNA: Appreciations, Feelings, Needs, and Apologies/Amends (if needed).. Often my clients choose to share AFNA: Appreciations, Feelings, Needs, and Apologies/Amends (if needed).
- Reading Repair Your Relationships: Reset, Reconnect, and ENJOY Your Most Important Relationships, written by Stacey Curnow, the owner of Asheville Family Counseling.
- Reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy. (Try to read one part/chapter before each session.)
The True Hard Work of Love
The philosopher Alain de Botton says “Love is something we have to learn and we can make progress with, and that it’s not just an enthusiasm, it’s a skill. And it requires forbearance, generosity, imagination, and a million things besides. The course of true love is rocky and bumpy at the best of times, and the more generous we can be towards that flawed humanity, the better chance we’ll have of doing the true hard work of love.” You can read and/or listen to more of his insights in an interview with Krista Tippett here.
The Ubiquity of Trauma
If there’s a lot of distress in any of your relationships, attachment trauma (also known as Complex PTSD) is likely involved. Our definition of trauma is an experience that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. Think about it: the way we show up in a “terrible fight” almost always involves Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease (also called Fawn, Submit, or Collapse) reactions – which are all nervous system reactions in the face of overwhelm.
Dr. Bruce Perry provides an excellent and very accessible exploration of Complex PTSD in his book (co-authored with Oprah Winfrey) What Happened to You? Resma Menakem wrote My Grandmother’s Hands, an extraordinary exploration of inter-generational trauma and how to heal it. Stephanie Foo wrote What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma, an excellent first-hand account of healing from Complex PTSD. It describes how safe relationships (whether with a friend or partner or counselor/mentor) can help heal the trauma caused by the unsafe (or not safe enough) relationships we experienced in childhood. On her YouTube channel, Anna Runkle talks compellingly about how she healed her Complex PTSD without counseling. Click this link to find out more.
How to Bring Calm to the Nervous System
We can work with our nervous system in order to create more safety and connection in our relationships. We highly recommend Deb Dana’s Rhythm of Regulation training series. She offers free worksheets to engage the regulating capacities of the nervous system here. (My favorite worksheet is The Regulating Resources Map. Please let me know if you’d like help with examples of activities.)
The Enneagram
The Enneagram is a symbol that relates to many different systems of knowledge, including psychology. It forms the basis of a typology that describes nine distinct personality types and serves as a framework for understanding the personality and mapping out a process for growth.
There are two popular quizzes for finding your type:
There are two popular books for self-study:
The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up
If the Enneagram resonates with you, we can offer you a “Cheat Sheet” for how to create better communication with all types. Just ask for it!
The Five Love Languages
Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. Your Love Language profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to others.
Click this link to take the quizzes: The Couples Quiz
The 7-Day Happiness Challenge
This week-long Happiness Challenge will help you focus on a crucial element of living a good life — your relationships. Start by assessing the range and strength of your social ties with this quiz, and then dive into seven days of highly actionable suggestions.
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model
IFS offers a framework for understanding the mind and “parts” language is an excellent way to communicate your experience. We can guide you in using this framework and its language, and we highly recommend you browse the IFS Institute bookstore and learn more. We especially recommend the books No Bad Parts and You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz. Here’s an example of how to use the “parts” language in the event of a conflict:
A part of me is struggling to feel…
seen/understood
heard
important
cared for
supported
safe
Self-Compassion Practices
Dr. Kristin Neff has studied self-compassion for 20 years and found that it has many far-reaching benefits. You can find many tips and exercises by following the links.
The RAIN tool also offers an excellent way to practice mindfulness and self-compassion.
The Generous Assumption
Goethe once said that misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less common. And we think that’s true. We think that most conflicts are created by misunderstandings and it’s important to practice what’s called The Generous Assumption. When you’re in conflict with someone, try to take some time to reflect on what happened and the meaning you’re making of it. The questions we try to remember to ask ourselves are: What am I thinking about this person (i.e. negative thoughts, judgments, and/or criticisms)? Is it possible that they might be thinking the same of me? (They very likely are.) What’s the most generous interpretation I can extend to their actions? Even better: What generous interpretation would I like them to extend to my actions and me? (And then extend the same interpretation to them.) What meaning am I making of this current conflict? Why is this so hard for me? What’s it reminding me of? A good bet is that their actions have triggered your nervous system around feeling unheard and unimportant and it’s very important to remember what I shared earlier: “This is a trigger, and not an actual threat (to my safety, worthiness, or lovability.” After you feel better/more grounded, we encourage you to share your insights with the person with whom you were in conflict.
Impact Over Intention
Having talked about the importance of extending the Generous Assumption, we also think it’s important that we talk about Impact Over Intention. Let’s use the analogy of stepping on someone’s foot. It’s almost always an accident and yet the foot that got stepped on still hurts. After you step on someone’s foot and you see they’re hurt you’ll likely say, “I’m sorry I stepped on your foot.” If you see that the other person got hurt by you stepping on their foot or they say “Ouch,” you’d likely say, “I’m sorry I hurt your foot.” It’s unlikely to be helpful if you say, “I didn’t mean to step on your foot.” And it’s likely to be really unhelpful if you say, “Your foot shouldn’t have been there. It’s your fault I stepped on your foot.” Of course you didn’t mean to step on their foot and hurt them (and they probably even know that) but it’s important that you be able to recognize and validate the other person’s experience. Simply saying sincerely, “I’m sorry I hurt your foot,” is usually enough to help the other person feel better. If they don’t seem to feel better after you apologize, then more is needed, and just follow up with, “What do you need to feel better?”
The 3 Golden Gates
Ask yourself if you’re going through each of the gates before you speak:
1st Golden Gate: Is it true?
2nd Golden Gate: Is it kind?
3rd Golden Gate: Is it helpful?
Here are some blog posts we hope you find helpful:
The Top Twelve Takeaways from The Most Successful Couples Therapy
The One Thing People Do In Successful Relationships
Your Big Why and Sample Vision Statement
It’s important to define a Big Why that answers the question of why you two are together. In other words, what is the purpose of your relationship? One may be “my growth is tied to your growth.” Please note: You don’t want your Big Why to be “to have fun” or “to make each other happy” because the purpose of this statement is to sustain your relationship when it isn’t fun and your partner isn’t making you happy.
You can even magnify your Big Why by writing out your responses to these prompts:
The person I want to be for you is…
The beauty I see in you is…
The person I know you are deep down is…
(Print these on a beautiful sheet of paper and give it as a gift to your partner!)
Once you have your Big Why, now write your Relationship Vision Statement. Here’s an example:
We extend the most generous interpretation possible to each other’s words, actions, and intentions. We turn to each other in times of crisis. [If you have them: We delight in raising our child/ren together.] We’re there for each other no matter what. We show up for each other in big and small ways. We support each other’s personal growth and celebrate our accomplishments. We laugh often. We keep agreements and respect each other’s boundaries.* We express curiosity and compassion for each other. We own our mistakes, apologize, and make amends. We ask for what we need and we accept when our partner can’t meet it. We share our truth without fear of judgment.
*For boundaries: you may want to clarify specific agreements for how you want things to look and/or how you’d like to be treated in a separate document. (For example, an agreement may be that we agree to leave and get space if an argument gets too heated (and we’re getting dysregulated). We may also agree to reconnect as soon as possible after we’re feeling more calm/regulated and then we make any necessary repairs (with new agreements, apologies, and/or amends). Another agreement may be that we don’t make decisions after 8 pm because we’re likely to be tired and not at our best to find creative solutions to meet all of our needs.)
Two favorite quotes:
So a relationship is a great gift, not because it makes us happy – it often doesn’t – but because any intimate relationship, if we view it as practice, is the clearest mirror we can find. – Joko Beck
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. – Rumi