If you want to have a successful relationship, I’ve got good news for you. There’s only one thing people do in successful relationships and it’s quite simple. Well, to be honest, it’s simple but not easy.
It doesn’t matter if the relationship is with your spouse or child. Think about it: Have you ever had an argument with them and been flooded by negative emotion? Of course you have. You end up feeling disconnected, discouraged, and maybe even hopeless, like it’s impossible to talk with him or her. Neither one of you is going to feel seen, heard, and valued.
I was a nurse-midwife for 20 years and now I’m a licensed professional counselor –that means I’ve been privy to the most intimate details in the lives of hundreds of couples and families.
And, of course, I’ve been the close friend and confident of many women friends, not to mention the fact that I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for over 26 years and my son for almost 15.
I’ve watched as many marriages and families have broken up…and in my early 30’s, I instigated the break-up of my own marriage.
The one thing people do in successful relationships
My husband and I repaired our marriage, but it was only when I went through my counseling education program that I learned the one thing that people need to do to have a truly successful relationship.
To create significant and lasting change, people need to learn to regulate and harness the force of nature that is raw emotions and to move them in the direction of positive and satisfying connection.
The great good news is that scientific research shows that we can use the power of emotions to transform key ways people engage each other in situations that can either make or break a relationship.
A sense of emotional connection – of loving and being loved – is the main expectation for people in long-term relationships. Interestingly, engaging in conflict is not a deal breaker. People expect and can handle conflict if they feel emotionally secure. So the crux of the matter is feeling secure in the relationship.
ARE You There for Me?
The building blocks of secure bonds are emotional Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement. You may notice the first letters of these words make up the acronym ARE. I hope this helps you remember when you’re wanting to get back on track with in your relationship. Simple, right? But, again, not easy.
Think of this – someone can be physically present but emotionally absent. If there’s no perception of emotional accessibility or engagement, distress results. The root of many conflicts is a bid for connection – and even an angry response is better than no response. So if someone perceives the other is not available, s/he will generally make a demand – unfortunately this is the least successful way to get them the connection they want.
What will be likely to get them what they need?
Understanding and appreciating the needs underlying emotions is what works. The good news is that even though there are hundreds of needs there are really only six essential human needs – and when you know what they are you’re able to use them as a key for giving and getting the love you want.
The Six Essential Human Needs
- Certainty: The need to know that you are safe and secure.
- Novelty/Variety: The need for positive surprise and challenge.
- Significance: The need to feel important, wanted, needed, unique and to matter.
- Connection/Love: The need to feel loved, or at least connected with another human.
- Growth: People intuitively know what they need in order to feel their best and they move towards it. (Of course, there may be obstacles to this necessary growth, and that’s what therapy is designed to address.)
- Contribution: The need to give beyond oneself in order to feel truly fulfilled.
When you and your partner or your child are not getting these six essential needs met within your relationship, you’re both going to be very unhappy and looking outside your relationship to get your needs met.
But if you had certainty and security in their relationship, and there was fun and surprise, and you knew you were significant person in that person’s life, and you felt completely loved by that person, and you were always growing and contributing together, would the relationship be a source of constant joy or conflict?
Choose Joy
So what can you do? You can start meeting the person’s needs at high levels on a consistent basis. Just ask yourself every day what you can do to help this person feel secure, pleasantly surprised, significant, loved, and like you’re part of their journey of growth and contribution and do those things.
I can imagine you might be thinking, well that’s great for her/him, but what about me? When am I going to get my needs met?
I can almost guarantee that if you do the above for someone, they will feel inspired to do the same for you. Because human brains are also wired for reciprocity. If someone does something for us in a genuine and non-manipulative way, we feel compelled to do the same for them.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how I may be able to help you enjoy a more satisfying and successful relationship with the most important people in your life.