Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is the most successful couples therapy. Studies show that other forms are only about 35 percent effective. And yet fully 86 percent of couples report feeling happier in their relationships as a result of engaging in EFT. What’s its secret? Attachment Theory.
Sixty years of research on emotional attachment shows us that without it children die or suffer severe emotional damage. It’s common sense that every mammal born into this world needs to be nurtured or will suffer and die.
Why does it feel hard to love?
Human beings universally want to love and be loved. So why does it feel hard for so many of us to love and be loved by our partners? How could it be easier, more satisfying, and long lasting?
These are the questions that Dr. Sue Johnson sought to answer when she developed Emotionally Focused Therapy. Here are twelve of the top takeaways from her findings:
The Benefits of Emotionally Focused Therapy = Better Bonding
- When we feel generally secure, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones. We are better at seeking support – and better at giving it.
- When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they invariably inflict. We’re also less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.
- Secure connections to a loved one is empowering. Interestingly, securely bonded adults are more curious and more open to new information. For example, they are also more comfortable with ambiguity, which means that they are more comfortable sitting with questions and more open to finding the creative solutions needed to solve them.
- The more we can reach out to our partners in times of distress, and feel confident they’ll be there when we do, the more separate and independent we can be. Our culture values self-sufficiency. But studies show that those who felt that their needs were accepted by their partners were more confident about solving problems on their own and more likely to successfully achieve their own goals.
The Downside of Disconnection
- On the flip side, conflict with and hostile criticism from loved ones increase our self-doubts and create a sense of helplessness, classic triggers for depression. We need to feel seen, safe, soothed, and secure by our loved ones. Researchers have found that marital distress raises the risk for depression tenfold!
- Love is not a “nice to have,” it’s a “need to have.” It is an essential human need, like oxygen and water. Attachment theory teaches us that a loved one is our shelter in a storm. When that person is emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we feel like we’ve been left out in the cold, helpless and alone.
- We are assailed by overwhelming emotions – anger, sadness, hurt, and above all, fear. Remember, fear is an alarm system that was wired into our nervous system for over 25 million years. Losing connection with our loved one threatens our sense of security as much as being stalked by a lion.
- If our alarm system is triggered, we don’t think. Rather, our nervous system reacts with either fight, flight, freeze or appease. I want to highlight the fact that almost always your angry outburst or cold withdraw (“stonewalling”) is not a conscious decision on your part. It is, in fact, a completely involuntary response that your nervous system makes for you.
- We all experience some fear when we have arguments or “disconnects” with our partners. But for people with secure bonds, it’s a momentary blip. The fear is quickly and easily tamped down because the feeling of security they enjoy on a regular basis allows them to understand that there is no real threat and they can ask for – and get – reassurance if they need it.
“Primal Panic”
- However, for those who have weaker or fraying bonds, the fear can be overwhelming. We are swamped by what neuroscientists call “primal panic.” Then we generally do one of two things: we either become demanding and clinging in an effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner, or we withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves.
- No matter the exact words, what we’re really saying is: “Notice me. Be with me. I need you.” Or, “I won’t let you hurt me. I will stay in control.” If we love our partners, why don’t we just hear each other’s calls for attention and connection and respond with caring? The fact is that we don’t know how to do this because nobody taught how to do this. Remember our culture’s creed of self-sufficiency?
- We don’t know how to reach for and tune into our partners in times of stress. Maybe it’s because we’re distracted and caught up in our own agendas. Very often we just don’t know how to speak the language of attachment. Nor do we know how to give clear messages about what we need or how much we care.
Time to Honor Our Attachment Needs
Quite simply, we haven’t been taught to understand or honor our attachment needs. The good news is that all of this can be learned.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how I can help you and your partner enjoy a more loving, happy, deeply fulfilling, and enduring relationship.