A relationship with a narcissist can be confusing and draining. The other day I got a referral from a colleague. She asked if I’d be comfortable working with a client who has a partner with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I replied that I’d be very comfortable. I let her know, however, that I generally look at NPD through an attachment lens rather than the medical model suggested by the diagnosis.
What is NPD?
People are diagnosed with NPD when they have these traits: an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, a history of troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others.
In other words, they are also very often extremely charming, confident, and persuasive. These traits mean you initially overlook how arrogant and entitled they are. Very soon into the relationship, however, you feel confused, hurt, angry, and drained.
But what can you do? The problem, as I see it from a counseling perspective, is that the NPD diagnosis doesn’t explain why the person has it. In addition it doesn’t explain how they might change. This is where attachment theory can be very helpful in creating a truly satisfying relationship.
The Crux of Attachment Theory
The crux of attachment theory is that human brains are wired for attachment – we’re all programmed to create strong relationships and to rely on others for our emotional wellbeing.
There are three main “attachment styles” in which people perceive and respond to intimacy: secure, anxious, and avoidant. For instance, people with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving. In addition, people with an anxious attachment style crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them. Finally, people with an avoidant attachment style generally equate intimacy with a loss of independence and try to minimize closeness.
In sum, attachment styles are determined by genetics, how one was parented, and the relationship experiences one has as adults, and none of them is seen as “pathological.” Using this framework, therefore, I extrapolate that someone with NPD is most likely wired to have an avoidant attachment style.
Above all, research suggests that people with an avoidant attachment style are quick to think negatively about their partners, seeing them as needy and overly dependent – a major element in their view of relationships – but they ignore their own needs and fears about relationships.
Is NPD Really Avoidant Attachment?
Look back at the second paragraph – the traits listed could also very likely fit someone with an avoidant attachment style. So why do these people act like they don’t need others when, like any other human, they absolutely do?
It’s rare, therefore, for someone with an avoidant attachment style to come for individual therapy. Why would they? They don’t think they are the problem. Every once in a while, however, they come to counseling as part of a couple that’s on the verge of breaking up. They come because their partner has said they have to because they’ll only continue the relationship if they get therapy. They may want to appease their partner in the moment, but they still don’t think they really need counseling.
Healing Avoidant Attachment
When I explain that I use a completely non-blaming approach that helps people use the intimate relationship itself as a vehicle for the healing, as well as a means for meeting everyone’s needs (theirs and their partner’s), however, they become more interested. If they’re willing to be honest they acknowledge that their needs aren’t getting met either (even if it’s just their need for significance), and they’re intrigued by the prospect of possibly – finally – getting them met.
Here’s the thing: attachment styles are stable, but malleable. I think of them like a block of potter’s clay: seemingly unyielding at first, but after you work with it for a while it becomes warm and pliable. Ultimately you’re shaping it into what everyone really wants: a secure base for stronger, more fulfilling connections where everyone can get their needs met.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how I may be able to help you and your partner enjoy a more satisfying relationship.