Introduction
In the realm of relationships, conflicts are akin to pebbles cast into a pond. They break the surface and send ripples outward, much like triggering past experiences we might not consciously remember. These ripples, deeply ingrained in our psyche, have the potential to stir up significant waves even in the most stable partnerships. Yet, within this turbulence lies an opportunity for profound growth and healing.
Embarking on a Journey
Recently, during a Couples Counseling Intensive with Sean and Amelia (aliases used for confidentiality), we embarked on an enlightening journey, delving into the complex interplay between current interactions and past wounds, much like navigating the waves stirred by the pebbles in a pond.
Our sessions were conducted online, leveraging the convenience of virtual platforms, and the stability of our virtual connection was strongest in Sean and Amelia’s great room, a central space in their home.
It’s worth noting that the layout of their home necessitated Amelia’s passage through this room to access the outdoors or other areas of the house. Unbeknownst to her, this simple act unwittingly triggered Sean’s angry Protectors, offering profound insights into the scared, young, and vulnerable parts that lay behind their protective wall.
Utilizing Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Before I go further, let me clarify that my Couples Counseling Intensive offers a combination of individual and couples sessions. During the individual sessions, I utilize the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework to unravel the tangled web of emotions surrounding a painful event.
To give a very brief introduction, IFS conceptualizes the psyche as a complex system comprised of various sub-personalities or “Parts,” each with its own unique traits, emotions, and motivations. These Parts are broadly categorized into Protectors and Exiles.
The IFS approach emphasizes compassionate curiosity towards both Protectors and Exiles. Through inner dialogue, guided meditation, and other therapeutic techniques, individuals can develop a deeper understanding of their internal system. By fostering healing, integration, and wholeness within this complex system, individuals can create a profound inner transformation, ultimately fostering greater harmony, connection, and well-being in all areas of their lives.
Sean and Amelia’s Journey
Now, getting back to Sean, about 30 minutes into our individual session, as I was guiding him into a deep meditation where he was meeting some of his youngest Exiles, Amelia walked into the great room.
Sean found Amelia’s unexpected presence disruptive, and he struggled to maintain his focus. Yet, through our work, Sean was able to confront his angry Protectors that came online at that moment and address their frustration. Thus he enabled them to relax so that he could go back to his mediation with a young Exile. Afterward, he expressed that he found this process incredibly powerful.
The next morning Amelia was out of the home, and before we began our individual session and deep meditation, Sean thought to put a sign on their front door that said “Do Not Disturb,” recognizing that he would need to take extra precaution to achieve the desired level of calm needed to help his Protectors relax and his Exiles resurface.
As we delved deep into our meditative exploration, encountering other young exiles that had felt shock and betrayal of abandonment, Amelia entered the room. Her unintentional intrusion once again shattered the fragile equilibrium Sean and I had created.
But this time, Sean was unable to continue, and he ended the session. His angry Protector announced, “I’m done talking. I’m not doing this anymore.” And he walked away.
I was then left alone with Amelia, who was visibly shaken by Sean’s intense reaction. Her Protectors were quick to defend her actions, recalling instances over the last two days where Sean had inadvertently appeared in the background of her own individual sessions, disrupting her concentration, but not triggering her angry Protectors.
I gently told Amelia that interruptions aren’t a trigger for her like they are for Sean. She quickly grasped this concept, but I also recognized the need for increased empathy and understanding. I shared a personal anecdote with her – a journey of grappling with my own triggers that ultimately led to profound self-discovery and healing.
Personal Journey
“My story begins with a door slam,” I began. Reflecting on more than thirty years of marriage, I recalled a recurring source of conflict between my husband and me – his habit of closing doors with a forceful slam, a seemingly innocuous action that stirs deep-seated emotions within me. (It’s worth noting that door slams are not a trigger for Doug; I could probably slam doors all day, and he wouldn’t even notice.)
For many, many years, I would often say in a raised voice and sometimes even screaming at Doug, “Stop slamming the door!” Despite his apologies and attempts to change, the pattern persisted, leaving me feeling enraged and as if my needs were being ignored and even willfully undermined.
It was through the practice of IFS that I began to unravel the tangled web of emotions surrounding this trigger. With curiosity and compassion, I delved into the underlying source of my distress, uncovering a seven-year-old version of myself awakened in the night by my parents screaming at each other and slamming doors.
As I revisited the painful memories of my parents’ turbulent arguments and the palpable fear that gripped me as a child, I realized the profound impact of these experiences on my present-day reactions. Through gentle reassurance and compassion, I learned to soothe that terrified little girl within me, offering the love and security she desperately craved.
So now when my husband slams the door and my angry Protectors come online, I can ask them to relax. I can go to the little girl still on her bed, still scared, still feeling confused, abandoned, and alone. And I reassure her. I let her know she’s safe. I tell her I love her. I’m here for her. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not going to let anything bad happen to her.
Through this process of inner exploration and healing, I discovered a newfound sense of peace and equanimity – even in the face of conflict. While the door slam remains a trigger, I’ve learned to respond to it differently, recognizing that it’s not an actual threat to my safety and well-being, but rather a poignant reminder of past wounds.
This trigger now provides me with an opportunity to respond to the wounded place in a new manner that facilitates healing. I’ve learned that the people around me don’t have to avoid touching the wound altogether.
Rather, when the wound is prodded, it serves as an invitation to do more healing. I’ve even reached a point where I welcome the door slam, or any trigger, that activates my angry Protectors. I now see the Protectors as, in IFS terms, the “trailheads,” guiding me to deeper healing.
Proposal for Growth
Sean did return for our couples session, and after sharing my story with him, I proposed, “In a time of conflict, let’s learn to focus on your angry Protectors, redirecting their anger away from Amelia. When triggered, let’s learn to turn inward to soothe these parts instead. This approach will lead to genuine peace, harmony, and a deeper love for Amelia. Rather than resenting her for activating your triggers, you’ll learn to thank her for giving you the opportunity to work with your angry Protectors and your scared, vulnerable Exiles.”
Reflection
Now, you might wonder why Amelia couldn’t simply avoid entering the room when Sean was in his individual session or why my husband couldn’t just refrain from slamming doors. Please take a moment to consider how well you understand and are able to avoid your loved one’s triggers.
As an exercise in mindfulness, try to count the number of times you feel fully present when walking through a doorway or getting up from a seated position. Try saying to yourself, “Walking through the doorway now,” or “Getting up from my seat now.”
You’ll likely find it very challenging to maintain this level of awareness consistently—I know I do. So, when you think that someone’s actions are thoughtless or deliberately intended to sabotage your peace of mind, remember that it’s often just a lack of mindfulness.
Conclusion
Mindfulness is a skill that can be developed. While it’s reasonable to request mindfulness from our partners regarding our triggers, it’s crucial to understand that enhancing our own mindfulness is paramount. Unlike the actions of others, which are largely beyond our control, our level of mindfulness—our capacity to respond to our triggers with curiosity and compassion—is mostly within our control.
What I’m emphasizing is that achieving the outcome we genuinely desire, which includes experiencing peace of mind and fostering a more loving and harmonious relationship with our beloveds, is more attainable when we focus on learning how to respond to triggers differently. This involves working with our angry Protectors and frightened young Exiles, rather than expecting our beloveds to stop triggering us altogether.
While it might seem ideal if my husband never slammed the door again, I’ve come to accept that the door slam is now just a trigger and not a threat. I’ve learned how to respond to it differently, and it’s no longer perceived as a genuine threat. As a result, I’ve found much greater happiness and peace of mind, and increased love, harmony, and joy in my relationship with my husband.
Let me make this clear: reaching this state of freedom and equanimity in the face of triggers has been a lengthy journey. But I assure you, if you can maintain an open mind, it will serve as the fertile ground where we sow the seed of this concept – the notion of working with our triggers, Protectors, and vulnerable Exiles.
Just as a delicate seed finds its home in fertile soil, I hope this idea will also find its place within you, taking root and blossoming as it has for me. With patience, compassion, and unwavering dedication to self-discovery, let’s continue nurturing the seeds of healing and growth within ourselves, cultivating a garden of profound inner peace and enduring harmony and joy in our most important relationships.
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