Over the course of our work together, we’ll likely refer to the following resources. Please bookmark this page and refer to it as needed.
Here is a video that offers an overview of some of the process and tools we use in our practice:
You may want to adopt any of the following as part of your daily routine:
- A mindfulness practice that helps you regulate your nervous system and feel more calm, even in the face of constant stressors. It’s helpful to think that meditation is simply reminding ourselves repeatedly of our true, benevolent nature and then carrying that quality into the world around us. (We recommend any of the following apps: Headspace, Calm, 10% Happier.)
- “Energy” practices that will also help you in times of acute stress. We recommend these 2 videos: Once you learn the practices the first series takes about 4-5 minutes, the 2nd only 1-2 minutes.
- A “process commitment,” that is at least one thing you do every day to help your family members feel that you want to “be there” for them. Often our clients choose to share a Rose, Bud, Thorn: The best part of their day, the hardest part of their day, and what they’re looking forward to the next day. Or they choose to share AFNA: Appreciations, Feelings, Needs, and Apologies/Amends (if needed).
- Reading Repair Your Relationships by Stacey Curnow, the owner of Asheville Family Counseling, Mona Delahooke’s book Beyond Behaviors, Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child, Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté’s Hold On to Your Kids, or any of Marshall Rosenberg’s books on Non-Violent Communication (this link takes you to a packet you can download, the link below takes you to a page where you can buy the book below):
The Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) Model
The CPS model offers a wonderful framework for understanding what’s hard for a child and working with them to find solutions that work for everyone. It’s a non-punitive, skill-building communication model based on empathy, collaboration, listening, and respect.
The model enhances many important skills that will benefit our kids for the rest of their lives. These skills are active listening, empathy, taking on another person’s perspective, appreciating how one’s behavior is affecting others, and resolving disagreements in a manner in which everyone’s priority concerns are satisfied.
It’s the cornerstone of our work together.
We strongly recommend you read Ross Greene‘s The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings. Greene is the creator of the CPS model.
The links below will take you to very short videos that explicitly address many of the questions and concerns parents often have related to the Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS) model.
Here’s the Youtube page with an extensive collection of 2-5 minute videos: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_vZVcW8jPRhoWy85a6yv8g/videos
You might find these especially helpful:
IF YOU WATCH NOTHING ELSE, WATCH THIS 5-MINUTE VIDEO: Why we focus on problems NOT behaviors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gquOrXpyHrk
Why use Plan B instead of Plan A? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCTySTc_PsI
What’s the matter with Plan A? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcJLewipzcA
What to do in the midst of an explosion? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLepm6oaIrA
Can CPS be used to address screen time? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_oxZNia2iU
Here’s the link to Dr. Greene’s website with lots of informative videos: https://livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour/
If you scroll down to the bottom of Dr. Green’s website, you’ll see tutorial videos with Dr. Greene working through the model with kids and families.
We also encourage you to watch The Kids We Lose, a feature-length documentary film developed by Dr. Greene, available for free. It’s about the human side of being a child or student with behavioral challenges, and the struggles faced by parents, educators, staff in facilities, mental health clinicians, and judicial and law enforcement professionals in trying to ensure that these kids receive the help they need.
The True Hard Work of Love
The philosopher Alain de Botton says “Love is something we have to learn and we can make progress with, and that it’s not just an enthusiasm, it’s a skill. And it requires forbearance, generosity, imagination, and a million things besides. The course of true love is rocky and bumpy at the best of times, and the more generous we can be towards that flawed humanity, the better chance we’ll have of doing the true hard work of love.” You can read and/or listen to more of his insights in an interview with Krista Tippett here.
The Ubiquity of Trauma
If there’s a lot of distress in any of your relationships, attachment trauma (also known as Complex PTSD) is likely involved. Our definition of trauma is an experience that overwhelms a person’s ability to cope. Think about it: the way we show up in a “terrible fight” almost always involves Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease (also called Fawn, Submit, or Collapse) reactions – which are all nervous system reactions in the face of overwhelm.
Dr. Bruce Perry provides an excellent and very accessible exploration of Complex PTSD in his book (co-authored with Oprah Winfrey) What Happened to You? Resma Menakem wrote My Grandmother’s Hands, an extraordinary exploration of inter-generational trauma and how to heal it. Stephanie Foo wrote What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma, an excellent first-hand account of healing from Complex PTSD. It describes how safe relationships (whether with a friend or partner or counselor/mentor) can help heal the trauma caused by the unsafe (or not safe enough) relationships we experienced in childhood. On her YouTube channel, Anna Runkle talks compellingly about how she healed her Complex PTSD without counseling. Click this link to find out more.
How to Bring Calm to the Nervous System
We can work with our nervous system in order to create more safety and connection in our relationships. We highly recommend Deb Dana’s Rhythm of Regulation training series. She offers free worksheets to engage the regulating capacities of the nervous system here. (Our favorite worksheet is The Regulating Resources Map. Please let me know if you’d like help with examples of activities.)
The Enneagram
The Enneagram is a symbol that relates to many different systems of knowledge, including psychology. It forms the basis of a typology that describes nine distinct personality types and serves as a framework for understanding the personality and mapping out a process for growth.
There are two popular quizzes for finding your type:
There are two popular books for self-study:
The Enneagram Guide to Waking Up
If the Enneagram resonates with you, we can offer you a “Cheat Sheet” for how to create better communication with all types. Just ask for it!
The Internal Family Systems (IFS) Model
IFS offers a framework for understanding the mind and “parts” language is an excellent way to communicate your experience. If you’re interested, please browse the IFS Institute bookstore and learn more and consider obtaining these books: No Bad Parts and You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For by Richard Schwartz. Here’s an example of how to use the “parts” language in the event of a conflict:
A part of me is struggling to feel…
seen/understood
heard
important
cared for
supported
safe
The Five Love Languages
Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. Your Love Language profile will explain your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect to others.
Click these links to take these quizzes: The Couples Quiz, The Teen Quiz, The Child Quiz
The 7-Day Happiness Challenge
This week-long Happiness Challenge will help you focus on a crucial element of living a good life — your relationships. Start by assessing the range and strength of your social ties with this quiz, and then dive into seven days of highly actionable suggestions.
Self-Compassion Practices
Dr. Kristin Neff has studied self-compassion for 20 years and found that it has many far-reaching benefits. You can find many tips and exercises by following the links.
The RAIN tool also offers an excellent way to practice mindfulness and self-compassion.
The Generous Assumption
Goethe once said that misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less common. And we think that’s true. We think that most conflicts are created by misunderstandings and it’s important to practice what’s called The Generous Assumption. When you’re in conflict with someone, try to take some time to reflect on what happened and the meaning you’re making of it. The questions we try to remember to ask ourselves are: What am I thinking about this person (i.e. negative thoughts, judgments, and/or criticisms)? Is it possible that they might be thinking the same of me? (They very likely are.) What’s the most generous interpretation I can extend to their actions? Even better: What generous interpretation would I like them to extend to my actions and me? (And then extend the same interpretation to them.) What meaning am I making of this current conflict? Why is this so hard for me? What’s it reminding me of? A good bet is that their actions have triggered your nervous system around feeling unheard and unimportant and it’s very important to remember what I shared earlier: “This is a trigger, and not an actual threat (to my safety, worthiness, or lovability.” After you feel better/more grounded, we encourage you to share your insights with the person with whom you were in conflict.
Impact Over Intention
Having talked about the importance of extending the Generous Assumption, we also think it’s important that we talk about Impact Over Intention. Let’s use the analogy of stepping on someone’s foot. It’s almost always an accident and yet the foot that got stepped on still hurts. After you step on someone’s foot and you see they’re hurt you say, “I’m sorry I stepped on your foot.” If you see that the other person got hurt by you stepping on their foot or they say “Ouch,” you say, “I’m sorry I hurt your foot.” It’s not likely to help if you say, “I didn’t mean to step on your foot.” And it’s really not likely to help if you say, “Your foot shouldn’t have been there. It’s your fault I stepped on your foot.” Of course, you didn’t mean to step on their foot and hurt them (and they probably even know that) but it’s important that you be able to recognize and validate the other person’s experience. Simply saying sincerely, “I’m sorry I hurt your foot,” is usually enough to help the other person feel better. If they don’t seem to feel better after you apologize, then more is needed, and just follow up with, “What do you need to feel better?”
The 3 Golden Gates
Ask yourself if you’re going through each of the gates before you speak:
1st Golden Gate: Is it true?
2nd Golden Gate: Is it kind?
3rd Golden Gate: Is it helpful?
The Importance of Community
We truly understand how overwhelmed, exhausted, confused. and alone you may feel by the current distress in your family. Finding community is so important when you feel this way. If disconnections with your kids seem to be a source of your distress, we encourage you to check out this Facebook group that provides excellent support for families when there is a high level of conflict with their kids:
Here’s their summary:
Welcome to the B Team, a parent group with a singular focus: to support our members in learning about and practicing Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS for short), a non-punitive, skill-building communication model based on empathy, collaboration, listening, and respect.
Those of us using CPS look at our kids through different lenses, believing that kids do well if they can, not if they want to; rather than viewing a child as manipulative or lying or acting out on purpose, we look at their behaviors as the result of unsolved problems brought on by lagging skills. By working together with our kids as partners, we find solutions to the problems. Along the way, we also build skills, feed trust, and develop respect.
CPS was developed by Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Lost and Found, and Raising Human Beings, and Director of the not-for-profit group Lives in the Balance.
CPS is NOT a quick fix, but the results are worth the time and effort. It builds problem-solving skills over time that will serve both kids and parents in all of their relationships! The B Team supports parents in their efforts to use the CPS model with their families. Some of us have been using the model for years and know how powerful it is, while others are just starting out, but all who want to learn are welcome!
Here are some blog posts you may find helpful:
Help for a Child’s Challenging Behaviors
Sample Vision Statement
We extend the most generous interpretation possible to each other’s words, actions, and intentions. We turn to each other in times of crisis. We’re there for each other no matter what. We show up for each other in big and small ways. We support each other’s personal growth and celebrate our accomplishments. We laugh often. We keep agreements and respect each other’s boundaries.* We express curiosity and compassion for each other. We own our mistakes, apologize, and make amends. We ask for what we need and we accept when our family member can’t meet it. We share our truth without fear of judgment.
*For boundaries: you may want to clarify specific agreements for how you want things to look and/or how you’d like to be treated in a separate document. (For example, we agree to leave and get space when an argument gets too heated (and we’re too dysregulated). We also agree to reconnect as soon as possible after we’re feeling more calm/regulated and make any necessary repairs (with new agreements, apologies, and/or amends). Another agreement is that we don’t make decisions after 8 pm because we’re likely to be tired and not at our best to find creative solutions to meet all of our needs.)
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. – Rumi