Whether you’re living together or separately, if you have a child with another person, it’s important that you learn how to be positive co-parents.
No matter how your family is configured, getting on the same page on how to be positive co-parents can really help. Connection is the key to whether your parenting will be peaceful – and successful.
Connection should always be our short-term objective and our long-term goal. The trick is to be mindful of connection before a problem occurs rather than reacting from a place of anger or fear after your child’s behavior is out of line.
Connect to Redirect
The basic parenting principle is “connect to redirect.” The idea is to connect with the child (whether a toddler or a teen) in order to give guidance and to provide direction. By cultivating this connection we can minimize the risk of resistance. You’ve heard that “what you resist persists,” right? And we don’t want that.
We also lessen the chances of setting ourselves up for our own negative reactions. But what if we do get triggered? I know there have been many times when I’ve snapped at my kid and angrily said, “That’s not okay! You can’t…”
It’s true that we may not have control over whether we get triggered when our kid does something undesirable. The fact is that the unwanted behavior will very likely trigger the alarm system in your brain and “flip your lid.” As soon as possible, however, you want to acknowledge that you got triggered and you now want to choose connection (and peace) instead.
Here’s the thing: in the face of any rupture, the will to make the repair must be in the parent. It’s the will to make the repair (not punish, shame, or blame) that will restore the connection. Taking a walk together (my go-to with my son), going for a ride, throwing a ball – anything that makes a connection with the child – is necessary before you are likely to do anything else meaningful.
Positive Co-Parents Are Successful in All Relationships
The Attachment Dance is not a complicated dance; in fact, it’s surprisingly simple. The trick is the little attachment step in the beginning. The principle of connect to redirect applies to almost everything. (Bonus tip: Try it with anyone with whom you have an important relationship and you’ll see how well it works!)
If the basic relationship is good, this process should only take a few seconds. If the attachment is weak, you’ll know it as soon as the connection with your child is attempted. The bottom line is that it’s very difficult, if not impossible, to illicit the behavior you want from a child (or anyone else, for that matter!) when there’s no attachment.
An inability to connect with the child and redirect their behavior is simply a reality check. We need to take it as a sure sign that any preoccupation with influencing behavior will not go well. Our energy will be much better spent on building the relationship.
It’s a Practical and Practicable Skill
When you first engage in this practice of “connect to redirect,” it may seem awkward or contrived. Once it becomes habit, however, the wear and tear on the relationship, the anger and the resentment, will decrease significantly. The good news is that it’s truly a skill you can learn and it will benefit all of your relationships – very often with astounding results.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how Asheville Family Counseling may help you enjoy co-parenting – and your child – more.