If you have negative thoughts about your partner like, “S/he’s so selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless, etc.” your partner will feel criticized. Most people who feel criticized will also feel defensive and, in fact, double down on their undesirable behaviors. If you have any kind of global negative judgments about your partner, make no mistake: you’re bringing out the worst in your partner.
If you hold negative judgments for your partner’s actions, it’s probably not because you set out to think of them in this way. It’s likely that you came by these negative judgments authentically. To you, it’s simply the facts. Regardless, the path to getting more respect and understanding from them involves finding a way to lose the negative judgment while advocating for yourself and your needs at the same time.
Three ways to get more respect and understanding from your partner
There are three ways you can do this: 1) you can find the legitimate motivations that drive your partner’s unwanted behavior, 2) you can recognize ways in which it’s likely that your own attitude and actions have unintentionally fueled the very attitude and actions in your partner that you find upsetting, and 3) you can see that your own contribution to your relationship problems have been as serious as your partners. (Of course, if you need help with any of these steps, you can definitely fast track your process with couples therapy.)
Find the legitimate motivations that drive your partner’s thinking and actions
If you’re open to finding them, there are always legitimate motivations that drive your partner’s attitudes and actions, even if you don’t like them. You may be reluctant to find these motivations because you’re afraid it will fuel your partner’s belief that their right and you’re wrong. But the evidence from relationship studies contradicts this assumption.
It’s the inability to acknowledge the legitimate priorities and motivations of one’s partner that fuels their defensiveness and stubbornness
People who are most successful in relationships know that if they assume the worst of their partners, they’ll get the worst. Instead, they find and acknowledge the legitimate priorities and needs that drive their partner’s attitudes and behaviors, and they also advocate for their own. People in successful relationships combine a generous attitude toward their partners with an unwillingness to allow their own feelings or needs to be dismissed. Successful people require that their feelings and needs be given equal consideration, and they make it very easy for their partners to do so. How? By assuming the best of their partners.
Recognize the ways that you have unintentionally fueled your partner’s upsetting attitude and behavior
Your partner’s attitude and behavior are partly a reaction to feeling dismissed by you. Has your partner’s actions gotten worse over time? If so, it’s likely because they feel that you’ve “turned on” them in some way. They perceive your negative judgment as a loss of faith in them. You were once their biggest fan and now you’re their biggest enemy. Can you imagine how devastating this feels?
They know that you’ve written them off as hopeless in some ways, and this has made their reactions to you more extreme. Studies show that when people get branded by their partners as hopeless it’s almost impossible for them to change because doing so would feel like admitting that their partners were “right” and they were wrong, like somehow defective.
Every human being on this planet has a fear that deep inside, they’re somehow defective – and now the person they loved and trusted the most is rejecting them for this part. This awareness is so painful and damaging that self-preservation will now kick in and make you wrong. This isn’t rational – the conscious brain isn’t making this decision. The brain stem that’s responsible for survival (and responds with either fight or flight) is now making this decision.
You can – and must – advocate for yourself without putting your partner down
People in successful relationships advocate for themselves when they feel mistreated or misunderstood by their partners. They do this without making a big deal of their partner’s unwanted or undesirable behavior. Relationship studies show that you must be willing to advocate for yourself and not find fault with your partner. Chances are if you had this ability, you’d be getting much more cooperation from your partner. And think about this: do you think you’ll have more influence with your partner if you’ve been emotionally distant and critical toward your partner or tender and loving? Your partner’s uncooperative attitude is in part due to the fact that they don’t feel like you care about them or like them very much, and so, really, why should they bother?
Recognize that your own faults have been just as detrimental to the relationship as your partner’s
Some of your partner’s actions may have been wrong, but no more wrong than some of your own. You may be ranking your partner’s faults as more serious than your own (their drinking problem is much worse than your criticism of their drinking problem, for example). Relationship studies, however, suggest that criticism can undermine relationships just as surely as a drinking problem.
Remember, just because you recognize that your faults may contribute to your relationship problems just as much as your partner’s doesn’t mean that you must accept their behaviors. It just means that you don’t have grounds to feel superior, and that they have just as much right to ask for their needs to be met as you do yours. In successful relationships, partners avoid negative judgments, and instead of criticizing each other, they respect their differences and work toward meeting each other’s needs that take both their values and needs into account.
Reading Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy: Advances from Neurobiology and the Science of Intimate Relationships by Brent Atkinson (and listening to my clients!) helped inform this post.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how I may be able to help you and your partner enjoy a more satisfying and successful relationship.