In every relationship – whether with a spouse, a child, or a sibling – we’ll always cycle through periods of Harmony-Rupture-Repair.
There are no perfect relationships. We’re always going to make mistakes. So if we want to enjoy good relationships, we need to get really good at making good repairs. A good repair starts with a good apology.
How do you make a good apology? It starts with taking responsibility for the impact your words and/or actions had on the other person. It also involves the “empathy” step – meaning you share how you think they’re feeling or you take a guess. For example, “I hear that didn’t feel good to you when I said that and I’m so sorry. I wonder did you feel negatively judged/unfairly blamed?”
If they say yes, say: “Tell me more.” And then reflect and validate from there. If no, say: “Please tell me how you felt. I want to understand.” Then you reflect (mirror) what they said and validate it (e.g. “That makes sense that you’d feel that way.”). Later, after the person has shared their experience and says they feel heard and validated, offer amends: “What do you need to feel better?” or “What can I do to make this right?”
And when offering amends, keep it in the “here and now” (and very often when a person feels truly heard and understood that is truly enough in terms of amends) and try not to make promises for the future (e.g. “I promise I’ll never do that again.”) that likely will be hard to keep.
If you’d like support in making good apologies and lasting relationship repairs, we encourage you to find out more and call/text Asheville Family Counseling at 828-761-3149 and set up a completely free, 15-minute exploratory session.