Negative thoughts, whether related to how we made mistakes or how other people hurt us, can cause anger, fear, grief, and other painful emotions to brew inside us. Learning how to authentically apologize and fully forgive provide proven antidotes to this distress.
Choosing other thoughts that feel better often starts with forgiveness – first for us and then for others.
Forgiveness is…
It can start with this thought: Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.
So first we have to be willing to change. If a rupture occurred in a relationship, both people have to be willing to address it.
One (or both) apologizes (without defensive excuses) and the other person listens to the other. This doesn’t mean, though, that other person has to accept the apology and forgive us.
As nice as it might be to have the other person forgive us, we can’t expect that they would. Their forgiveness is not something we can control. It is their process to work through and theirs alone.
Very often though, if we show that we can fully take responsibility for our hurtful actions by acknowledging what we did and the impact we had on the other person, we can move to make amends.
Apologies and Amends
Making amends involves acknowledging that what we did negatively impacted the other person’s life and that we’re willing, in whatever way we can, to improve the person’s life in return.
Here’s the thing: apologizing for your actions must first start with you forgiving yourself by acknowledging that you made a mistake and then you give yourself permission to change and go forward in the future.
Taking responsibility for our actions, apologizing, and making amends is truly a process of intention. There is never an explicit timeline for healing. What is important is our intentional commitment to forgive or to seek forgiveness. It is a process that we will all likely need to practice again and again. Asheville Family Counseling offers a great place to do this practice – together we help you build a secure sense of self where you can learn to feel calm and centered even through the most difficult times.
Forgiveness Has Many Benefits
Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun, talks about how the combination of honesty, clarity and kindness are the essence of forgiveness.
Research also shows that people who forgive are happier and healthier than those who hold resentments. A study from Hope College in Michigan discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems.
So, whether you forgive yourself or someone else, remember that you are also healing yourself.
Note, however, that forgiveness is not forgetting. Again, it’s all about learning from our mistakes, and learning to be more honest, clear, and kind in our communication.
Proven Practices
If you’re feeling stuck on this point, there are some proven practices for moving forward even in the face of feeling stuck, stressed, and unforgiving:
- Meditation/Reflection: This is a powerful tool in any healing process. You come to appreciate that you cannot change the past, but you can own the present moment. One of my favorite practices is the Loving Kindness Meditation. Begin by repeating the following phrase over and over.
May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
Direct it to yourself first and then extend it to your loved ones. Finally, when you are able, try to include the person with whom you are having the most difficulty.
- Use a Mantra—either during medication or reflection or just at any time when you have a quiet moment. This exercise will help you change your thought patterns over time. Good ones for forgiveness include “I release this,” (Or even more simply, “Release.”), “All is well,” And “This too will pass.”
- Journaling. Recording your stressful thoughts in a journal is a valuable way of releasing them.
No matter which practice you choose, learning to be more honest, clear, and kind in your communication will bring you more happiness, peace, and harmony. It’s also very likely to bring you more happiness, peace, and harmony in all your important relationships.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with us. We’ll discuss how we can help you find peace and enjoy a more satisfying and successful relationship with the most important people in your life.