When I work with clients, our journey towards healing focuses on relationships as the vehicle for transformation. Attachment Theory, developed by John Bowlby, becomes a guiding light, shedding illumination on how early attachments impact a person’s sense of self and their ability to form healthy relationships. It offers a comprehensive map for navigating conflict, revealing how relationships can both inflict harm and aid in our healing process.
From Toothpaste Caps to Deep-Rooted Wounds
Greg and Martha, pseudonyms for a couple in my practice, serve as a testament to the power of Attachment Theory. Instead of getting stuck in surface-level arguments, like the cap left off the toothpaste, they delved into the attachment wounds beneath the surface. These wounds, characterized by feelings of dismissal, devaluation, and loneliness, are the roots of their conflicts.
Navigating Relationships with Confidence and Clarity
Securely attached individuals, shaped by attentive and caring parenting, learn to regulate distress independently. They communicate their needs clearly, accept care and soothing, and navigate relationships with confidence. In contrast, insecurely attached individuals often exhibit anxiety and avoidance, often stemming from experiences of trauma within the family.
Understanding ‘One Foot on the Gas, One Foot on the Brake’
Trauma, manifesting as persistent conflict, anger, depression, and/or hopelessness, can disrupt the bond between a couple. The phenomenon we describe as “One foot on the gas and one foot on the brake” emerges when one partner perceives the other as consistently unavailable. This conflict between the desire for connection and fears of abandonment leads to withdrawal.
Overcoming Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms in Insecure Attachments
People with insecure attachments often struggle to express and understand their emotions. Maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as addiction, become prevalent among adults who haven’t learned to self-soothe. Behaviors like drinking, shopping, sex, exercise, or overwork offer temporary relief but hinder genuine healing.
Decoding Behaviors and Strengthening Bonds
Greg and Martha learned to recognize the behaviors that used to drive them apart – angry outbursts, anxiety, and intense fears – and get curious about them. Instead of focusing on behavior control, they delved into the meaning behind these actions, viewing them as bids for attention and connection.
Martha and Greg’s Healing Journey
They learned to consciously and compassionately respond to the undesirable (and understandably triggering) behavior with genuinely soothing actions, thereby creating more emotional safety, and paving the way for healing ancient attachment wounds and experiencing more connection and joy in their relationship.
Accelerate Your Transformation: Join Our Exclusive 3-Day Intensives
The transformation George and Martha achieved took almost a year, but I don’t think it has to take that long. In the interest of creating lasting transformations more quickly, I designed an exclusive 3-Day Intensives tailored to accelerate a couple’s journey towards healing and strengthening their relationship. You can find out more about the Couples and Family Intensive by visiting this link.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call.
We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.