I get asked by a lot by prospective clients if I’m “marriage-friendly.” They don’t exactly use those words, but I’ve discerned that’s what they mean. And I am a marriage-friendly couples counselor. I actually think it’s important for all couples counselors to be overtly marriage-friendly.
I’ve been married to my husband for over 20 years. Let me tell you, not every moment has been “wedded bliss.” We weathered many storms together. In fact, we walked an especially stormy path about 4 years into our marriage.
It got so bad that I read the book Should You Leave? by Peter Kramer. (My friend saw it on my table one day. She said, “I can’t believe you are reading this book out in the open. I could never read that in front of my husband. He would be crushed.” I said, “I want him to read it too!”)
Why It’s Important to Be a Marriage-Friendly Couples Counselor
The thesis of the book is that unless your marriage is marked by abuse (emotional, physical or substance abuse), the simple answer to the question posed in the title of his book is “No.” So the take-home message of Kramer’s book is work with a marriage-friendly couples counselor . And then learn how to do the hard work of changing the patterns that are leading to distress in the current relationship.
Here’s another very important take-away lesson from Should You Leave? Kramer cited research that showed people who seek divorce are very likely to be depressed. Interestingly, once the depression is treated, they are, in fact, not as interested in or likely to divorce. So with any couple considering divorce, they should consider if there are signs of depression, and if so, to treat them first.
I have immense compassion for those whose marriages end in divorce. I also believe that people are generally too willing to give up on their marriage and move on. People seem to think something along the lines of “the current marital house would take too much work to restore and the one down the street looks better.”
What I know for sure is no couple would even be working with me (as opposed to a lawyer) if they weren’t deeply conflicted. I, therefore, meet their pain with compassion and also hope. I know we can achieve a re-commitment to an improved marriage or a healthy divorce – in a process called discernment counseling.
The Strengths of Discernment Counseling
In discernment counseling you can gain important insights that will ultimately help resolve your pain. The fact is that my clients often are wrong about what they think their problem is and they don’t give themselves enough credit for how complex they are and how hard they can work if given the proper support and encouragement.
So what are the strengths of discernment counseling? First, to excavate the reason you got married in the first place because you very likely married for a compelling reason and, if excavated, could probably lead to a renewed desire to stay committed.
Second, to grow in self-awareness because unless you address the problems that are spurring the decision to leave, you’re very likely to repeat the same patterns of difficulty in the next relationship.
Interestingly, Kramer cited research that found the only difference a couple might, in fact, find in a future relationship is an increased willingness to make compromises. These are compromises that they were unwilling to make in the last relationship. So why not try to find a way to compromise more successfully in the current relationship?
Creating Happy Co-Parents
And, third, for the sake of the children. If there are children involved a parent has a responsibility to meet their child’s needs for security and attachment. Not meeting the child’s needs will likely have more long-lasting and deleterious effects and it behooves the parents to make sure their kids feel safe and soothed no matter what.
In any event, you want to become happy co-parents because you love your kids and want the best for them. This includes having two happy parents who love them and create a great life for them. Whether they are still married to each other or not.
There really is no downside to discernment counseling. By the end of it all involved will be fully open and able to take the next steps. Whatever decision is made, whether to continue with couples counseling to repair the marriage or to divorce with compassion. If the couple does the hard work required of them, they’ll always be in a better place because of it.
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me. We’ll discuss how I may be able to help you and your partner enjoy a better relationship. In or out of a marriage.