Last week I shared a holiday guide to help you create a vision of what you want for the holidays. But what if the vision strays from the reality when you feel trapped by a critical relative?
Consider Sheila, a woman preparing for a holiday gathering. Wanting to foster a peaceful atmosphere, she made the difficult decision not to invite her sister, Monica, who consistently violated her boundaries in the past. However, Sheila’s mother, Joan, expressed disappointment with her. Even though Joan was aware of the strained relationship between her two daughters, she proceeded to complain about Sheila’s choice, and even repeatedly cajoled Sheila to reconsider and invite her. Sheila’s is in a tough spot, right?
Understanding the Emotional Landscape
Dealing with a relative who finds fault with our actions is indeed very challenging. It’s completely natural to feel frustrated and angry when it seems like your needs and emotions are consistently overlooked. In these challenging moments, it’s crucial to remind ourselves that emotions serve as an internal compass, guiding us towards understanding what is most important to us.
Putting on Your Oxygen Mask
When faced with perceived criticism and feeling dismissed, disrespected and/or devalued, it’s important to recognize that your emotional experiences are valid. It’s essential to practice self-care and prioritize your well-being, especially during the holiday season when stress can be heightened. Like they instruct on airplanes, put on your oxygen mask first before helping others.
Take a moment to bring your awareness inward, observing how the emotion manifests mentally and physically. Scan your body for sensations like pressure and pulsing, and identify the urges you’re experiencing.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Acknowledge the difficulty of navigating a constant stream of criticism and approach your pain with kindness and understanding. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to a friend in distress. Take a moment to understand what you truly need in that situation. This allows you to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.
Clarity on Your Needs
As you gain clarity on your needs, you empower yourself to communicate effectively with your critical relative. Express your needs calmly and assertively, fostering a more open and understanding communication channel. Recognize that this process may take time, and be patient with yourself and your relative. Acknowledging that they’re also going through a hard time will also go a long way when it comes to softening the hard edges.
Consider the Needs of Your Relative
Returning to the earlier story, after Sheila has taken the necessary steps to prioritize her own well-being, there’s an opportunity to extend understanding and compassion toward her mother, Joan. It’s important to acknowledge the challenge Joan faces with both of her daughters not being together for the holiday festivities.
Sheila can approach Joan with empathy, expressing gratitude for her understanding and acknowledging the difficulty of the situation. She might say, “Mom, I’d really appreciate your support in understanding why I need to set boundaries with Monica this holiday. I also know it must be tough for you that both your daughters won’t be together.”
Encourage Open Communication
Sheila can validate Joan’s feelings and gently inquire about how Joan might advocate for her own needs. Sheila might ask, “I understand that having both of us here is important to you. How do you think we could make sure you get to spend quality time with both of your daughters, even if it’s not during this specific holiday gathering? Is there a different time we could plan something special together?”
This approach not only shows consideration for Joan’s feelings but also opens the door for a collaborative solution that ensures Joan’s need for quality time with both daughters is met at a time that works for everyone. It reinforces the idea that family connections can be nurtured outside of traditional holiday celebrations, allowing for flexibility and understanding among all family members.
Dealing with a critical relative, especially over the holidays when it may feel like you can’t escape, is undoubtedly challenging. However, by practicing self-awareness, self-compassion, and clear communication, you can navigate these rough waters more effectively. Remember that your emotions are valid, and understanding them is the key to expressing your needs and fostering a healthier relationship with your relatives during the festive season (and at anytime).
For more support in achieving increased connection and joy in your relationships, check out my Amazon bestselling book Repair Your Relationships: Reset, Reconnect, and ENJOY Your Most Important Relationships!
If you’d like to find out more, click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call. We’ll discuss how we may be able to help.