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Some Thoughts on Suicide

Language is important. It’s especially important when we’re talking about challenging subjects. I’ve had some thoughts on suicide – about the language our culture uses to talk about suicide. We say, “he committed suicide” or “she took her life,” but I think this language implies an intention that’s not very helpful or maybe not even true.

Today is the anniversary of the death of one of my client’s siblings. She said the grief still feels overwhelming, like being pounded by a 100 foot wave. I shared with her a metaphor that I heard another counselor share around this issue: Suicide is an end to the overwhelming effort that it takes to stay alive.

Depression is a Riptide

Imagine a person swimming, then caught in a riptide. The person uses tremendous effort to swim in order to stay alive, and then after a long struggle, doesn’t have the energy to keep swimming. But it’s not like they “chose” to die. They are simply exhausted. For many people depression is a riptide. They become exhausted. Death is the result.

I help many of my clients work through the guilt and grief that almost always surrounds unwanted events. People often feel guilty and grief-stricken that they somehow didn’t manage to save their loved one from drowning. I think the drowning metaphor is apt because if they had “done more” and gone out in the water it seems very likely that they not only couldn’t have saved them, but could have drowned themselves.

The Person Died by Suicide

Current clinical recommendations among mental health professionals are to frame a death around an apparent suicide as “the person died by suicide” in order to help take away the stigma of the act for the remaining family and friends.

I shared the above thoughts on social media and a friend wrote back,

I have tried for years to write about my father’s suicide, and I’m so grateful to have a writer friend who is bipolar and has attempted suicide herself, because she reads my work and gives me a reality check. Each time I’ve shown her my writing, she says: you are still too angry. You still need to find more compassion for your father. She also challenged my language (“he committed suicide”) and requested that (god forbid) she ever died this way that I never speak of her in those terms. She also suggests, “died by suicide.”

Do We Define Ourselves by Our Conditions?

I responded by asking her if she had talked with her friend about how she describes her with regard to her illness (“she is bipolar”). This is more language that I find challenging. I’ve learned it’s most helpful to ask a person how they would like to be described. I think some wouldn’t have a problem being described as their illness or condition, but I think it’s always best to check with the individual.

For example, I recently heard someone say they prefer to be described as “an autistic person” rather than a “person with autism” – and this is because they don’t identify autism as a disorder, but as something that is simply a part of them, like being Muslim or American. But others I know would prefer “she has a bipolar disorder.” More food for thought.

Another friend shared that she doesn’t like, “ended her life.” She said,

If the person had a priceless impact, her life can’t end. Her view is, “she took her life.” If one who went this path was treasured, important, and needed, “She took her life,” feels spot on. Those she left feel the taking, the theft, right out of our hands and under our noses. Robbed. I’m greedy, I’m selfish, and I’m angry, because she took her life out of mine and I so want it back.

Is the Thief the Person or the Depression?

I was especially moved by her description of the experience as a theft. That feels true. But is the thief the person or the depression? Did she rob herself and others of her life? Or did the depression?

If you or someone you know are in crisis please call the Mobile Crisis Unit at 1-888-573-1006 or check out the many resources available at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website.

If you’re struggling with depression or how to support someone you love who is struggling with depression, I’m happy to help. Just click the button below and schedule a free, 15-minute call with me.


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